TIME PAW

Psychologists say that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, guilt and acceptance. It is only now, that I have reached stage five, has it become evident that the journey to get there has followed the textbook path. It's hard to lose someone close to you.
But when the life lost is your own, the grief process is all the more complicated.
 
The man I used to be has been on life support along with the life I used to have. For years now he has been hanging on in the hope that one day there would be a miraculous resurrection. Sadly, a few weeks ago, the gut wrenching decision was made to pull the plug.
 
As if releasing birds into the air, the moment, far from being sorrowful, was a rebirth so immediate that Jesus Christ himself would stare in wonderment.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
 
DENIAL
Having always had the ability to function at full capacity on 6 hours sleep, that aspect of having children was never going to be an issue. Even having staring competitions with my first baby boy at 3am. Singing sweetly into his ear whilst in my head sledging his inability to stay awake. I am Warnie, and you are Daryl Cullinan! By 4 am, and victory complete, I would wake him just so that he knew I had defeated him AGAIN. He would be so depressed that he would sob himself back to sleep while I stood on his toy box spraying champagne into the air.
So why would baby number 2 stand any chance against the reigning champ? But my boys obviously had a plan. They started double-teaming me. Day or night. There was no let up. Play time. Sleep time. Lunchtime. Story time.
I had to counter punch. I would not be beaten. I used the best weapon I had. I would just stay up later in order to do the things that I wanted to do. I was unaware that this was their hope all along. I soon lost my edge in the middle of the night. They were winning the war.
 
ANGER
Damn right I was pissed off! My children had stolen every second of my waking day! And stolen my ability to function on no sleep! And do you think they were gracious in their victory? Fuck no! Lachlan intensified his night time tantrums and Aidan, being a team player, also started to ruin my nights. This was not going to end well.
 
BARGAINING
I've never been a religious man. I have not resorted to dropping to my knees and appealing to a higher power to return my free time to me. Promising to use my time constructively and for the greater good. It would do no good. There was only one man that could grant such a wish. The reigning Stay Awake Champion, Lachlan 'The Stare Master' Webeck. I asked him if he would be available for a meeting. He smiled. "Of course. I'm available at 4am every morning. See you tomorrow." What a tool.
But a desperate man I was. I proposed a number of changes to his behavior during the meeting. None were accepted. I put forward a very lucrative incentive package, but he would not be bought. I begged for an hour of peace. The bastard talked me down to 45 minutes.
 
DEPRESSION
Is it depression, if you are too tired to feel ANYTHING? For the purposes of the exercise, let's say 'yes'. Like a computer with an overheating CPU, my body reverted to it's default emotion setting, which would probably be somewhere between :I and :( . My laughing during playtime with Aidan was inspired by Meg Ryan's restaurant scene in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. Some days I had to force every smile. My children still smiled at me though. Those gloating pricks knew they had won, but toyed with me like a heavyweight fighter who let's his opponent get to the bell just so he gets another 3 minutes to humiliate him.
 
ACCEPTANCE
There I am. Sitting at the ICU bed of my former self, and nodding for the doctor to turn the machine off. Surprisingly, it wasn't a sad occasion. It was a heavy burden to dream of having my new life whilst keeping the old. An unrealistic dream. I let go of some of the things I used to love doing, in order to be able to enjoy what I still can do. I should have thought of it sooner. The anger I was feeling because I couldn't do these things was outweighing the enjoyment I got from them.
So the new 'me' has been finally embraced. I am no longer all-conquering. I am getting by. I can't do everything. But I can enjoy everything else.
 
DISCLAIMER
I love my children as much as any father has ever loved his sons. They give me some of the happiest moments I have ever experienced (not including the 1997 and 2001 Newcastle Knights teams). One day in the not too distant future I will be wishing i could spend more time with my boys. And many years from now, after the children have left home, I will reanimate the old me (we have decided to have him cryogenically frozen) and we will party like it's 2099.
 
Until then.